Web Earth Online

The Beginning
When I first exited my egg I finally in the world, able to walk and play. I loved to played with my sister Kiri and wrestle with my brother, Mahpie.
Our parents fed us lots and we were a healthy bunch. As we grew I began adventuring about the cliff site.

The Dare
Then one day Mahpie dared me to leave the entrance and adventure the world. So I did, because I was a foolish and curios condor. As soon as I left I saw hawks, other condors, foxes and other predators that are sure to eat a young condor. I quickly ran back into the nest. My dad saw me and started attacking me, I ran back out and into a hole.

The 3 weeks
I cried that night I spent in the hole. It was a horrible and surprising 3 weeks. I heard something at the entrance and walked closer, it was Mahpie and Kiri! We lived together as a family until one day Kiri left because she found a mate, then Mahpie got eaten when he went hunting. I was all alone so I went to visit Kiri. when I entered her nest her mate attacked me so I fought back. He slashed my beak and I started to bleed. I clawed his talons but it wasn't very effective so I left and found a cliff site. It was a horrible and surprising 3 weeks.

The New Family
I started collecting food and minerals for my home. I also got rocks and mud. Then I looked out the entrance and saw condors filling the skies and songs and dances all around. It was finally Winter. I looked around curious and a strong male landed in her nest. I established a bond quickly. A tiring few months later it was late winter and I started staying in the nest or as close as possible. I went to the back of the cave and waited.

The Eggs
I gave birth to 2 healthy chicks! It was a very busy season, Spring! With young animals there was plenty of food. My mate and I had a huge pile of food but we kept hunting..... TO BE CONTINUED!!

Find out what happens to me if I get 3 comments withen a week i'll continue on my adventure!

Trust me... Even on a topic that's more detailed and A LOT longer than this, You WON'T get 10 comments in only 1 week. Nobody does.

and I can't really rate the story because it's too short :/

Scar, I kinda find that a bit rude/mean just to let you know!

I expected you would. But I'm not trying to be mean. I'm just "letting you know" you probably won't get 10 comments in 1 week for just a paragraph. And sorry If It seemed offensive to you.

It's okay, and I changed it to 3 comments! XD and I'm adding more to the story.

It needs to be more detailed, have more description, have more emotion, have more depth. Right now your story seems very shallow, but if you could add some more detail, it could have great potential.

Remember what your literacy teacher says, where, what, how, when and why.

(Edit: Typo, D:<)

SouthernStar wrote:It needs to be more detailed, have more description, have more emotion, have more depth. Right now your story seems very shallow, but if you could add some more detail, it could have great potential.

Remember what your literacy teacher says, where, what, how, when and what.

This. Details are your friends. c:

Also, you seem to be switching intermittently between 1st person (I, me) and 3rd person (he, she, they). How could a condor chick have gotten from a cliffside nest to the ground where there was a hole, anyway? They can't fly, and they'd die from the fall.

true.... i'll edit it when I can

SouthernStar wrote:It needs to be more detailed, have more description, have more emotion, have more depth. Right now your story seems very shallow, but if you could add some more detail, it could have great potential.

Remember what your literacy teacher says, where, what, how, when and why.

(Edit: Typo, D:<)

That pretty much covers what I would say =) You need to put yourself in this Condor's place, the 'Chapters' need to be longer and more detailed, and a good story always has a Prologue* that sets the scene (For the reader to get a feel and sense of what the place looks like etc) Also I recommend a trick I always use, is to make my story characters stand out. They could have something different about them (scars, virtues, personality etc.) if you try not to rush through whats happening, as one moment your a young chick and then next minute your being attacked, then someone's eaten etc... the reader can catch up with you xD

I hope I haven't offended you, but they're just a few tips from me, you can develop your own style =D

* Prologue = The opening or beginning of a story that gives the reader a feel of whats going on, or it could be before the actual story starts.

If there was only a favorite button... I would favorite this! I love it i even bookmarked it. Even though its a little short i really like it!



-Rosa

Rosa wrote:If there was only a favorite button... I would favorite this! I love it i even bookmarked it. Even though its a little short i really like it!



-Rosa

i like it too. its a pretty cool story!

Amazing story.I really like it.