Web Earth Online

Calix - Main Male Protagonist, older brother of Cyril
Cyril - Male, younger brother of Calix
Petra - Dominant Female, mother of Calix and Cyril, mate of Cronus
Cronus - Dominant Male, father of Calix and Cyril, mate of Petra

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In the hook of a lustrous spring, it was never hard to find new life. Spring became a curtain in it's beginning, creating a domino affect across the earth. Through Winter's weakening grip, life bloomed to whisper gusto back into the land that had been suffocated beneath months of snow. A new era rose from the ashes of the deceased; like a phoenix, the animals were reborn anew. In the haste of Spring's accent into power, creatures busied themselves with preparation. Dens became homes once again, losing their cobwebs and rodents that had infested them during their long hiatus of passing seasons. They lay empty until called upon for use again, occasionally housing a small family of mice as they settled to birth their numerous young at any given time. They took over the den. It's spacious quality not fully utilized by the small inhabitants. Even so, the animal settled in with ease, filling the space with new, young mice. One particular family had selected the wrong site, bad fortune falling upon them as an unwanted interloper penetrated the sanctum of the den with a greedy nose. Wet nostrils flared, dark, clammy skin taking in the scent of the desired home. The enticing aroma of the small rodents entered the curious canid nose, setting off an instinctual reaction within the wolf. Tiny heartbeats and terrified breaths filled the echoing acoustics of the tiny den, suddenly silenced by a few quick snaps of a powerful jaw. One particularly thin, nimble mouse managed to escape, squeezing passed the head of the female that had just devoured her newest litter. With her small pups now captured in the bloated wolf's tight jaws, the mouse mother had no ties left to the burrow. It was a little too spacious for her anyway. As she slipped to her freedom beyond the intruding canine, the mouse broke into the light. Behind her, the wolf tried to turn, finding herself unaccustomed to the cramped space of the den. She would have to pull her head from the den at just the right angle in order to back out. This particular female had never experienced the wonders of producing pups of her own, and found the den to be quite troublesome. It was cramped, more so than she had imagined. Hungry instinct told her to pursue the mouse that had got away, but her maternal voice told her to investigate further into the narrow space. Teeth clamping together, followed by a dieing squeak, told the end of the mouse that had gotten away. Cronus must have found the escapee.

"Honey, you missed one," a loud, muffled voice explained with some difficulty. It seemed the female's mate had trouble talking with a mouthful of mouse. Cronus chuckled a little, happily swallowing down the easy meal.

"Shut up," a sharp reply split the silence of the air after the low thud of a collapsing body echoed from the den. It seemed as though Petra was not in the mood. Actually, she hadn't been for the past few months. Bitter and snappy, her hormones were unbalanced to the point of creating a fairly unpleasant female. Not even Cronus enjoyed conversation with her much anymore. Even so, he took her replies with a certain dignity, as it was his doing that had contorted his normally loving mate. Petra felt little guilt for her responses, truly miserable with her bloated belly and swollen paws. "This den is terrible!" she called out her commentary to Cronus, "Much too cramped."

With a swift roll of his eyes, Cronus sighed out a response, "You picked it out, remember? A few weeks ago. The fact that it was close to the river and had cover from the trees was the deal closer for us both." He shifted outside the gaping mouth of the den, leaning his head into the darkness to find the yellow orbs of the light that were the eyes of Petra.

"Oh," the heavily pregnant wolf replied curtly in defeat, realizing her mistake. She flicked her tail, irritated to an extreme extent. Pains had been coursing through her body all day, causing the pair to shift more towards the den in their travels. Her eyes closed with every spasm, fur brushing the dirt of the floor as she shifted to try and regain comfort. Pain passing smoothly away for a few moments, Petra re-opened her eyes. Seeing Cronus' head blocking some of the light, eyes strained on his mate, infuriated her. She snarled roughly, about to let loose a few ugly snaps of her jaws. If her words weren't sharp enough to foretell her particular hatred of her mate at the moment, the canines that protruded in her mouth would do the trick. Cronus had caused Petra's misery and, blinded with raging hormones, she felt hate. The love that had blossomed and swelled within her small chest had now broke into an inferno of hate. Petra found herself helpless to her emotions, knowing it was wrong to be upset, but unable to quell the mess of hysteria she felt.

"I'm a terrible mate for doing this to you," Cronus' words were a simple breeze that reached her ears. They sparked anger at first, compelling Petra to agree wholeheartedly. She shifted against the damp walls of her prison, finding the strength the fight away the terrible words rising in her throat.

"Just stop talking," Petra spat with as much kindness she could muster. Another spasm crashed through her body, causing muscles to tighten and teeth to press together. It created a certain exhaustion to spread through her. "Everything will be ok," she breathed in a sweeter, more controlled response. As the words left her muzzle, Petra instantly felt their rotted taste of unknown. She did not know for sure what the future held, yet in the unknown, the female looked for hope. The uncertain pleasure of having tiny, wet noses pressed to her stomach would be enough for her. Another wave of discomfort flashed through, causing a tiny yelp to escape her. Cronus' anxious whine from the open air outside created more uneasiness to rise in her bulging belly. She felt her nails dig into the earth, with more painful, more complex, convulsions. Darkness consumed Petra's vision as the feeling of emptiness consumed her entire being. No more pain crashed through her with enough force to kill. It simply ceased to exist. The pain faded into a lost dimension, becoming a heavy memory in the depths of her mind.

It had been only seconds of relief before the sound of tiny breaths filled Petra's ears. The sound was so alien, she couldn't help but hoist her head up. Maternal love soothed her throbbing body as her yellow eyes found the two small beings that had become distressed against the contrast of the new world from their old. Warmth no longer consumed their growing bodies, cold leeching the life from them as soon as they had just started to live it. Their mother and protector leaned over, licking them with a foreign tongue to soothe their distressed and shivering forms. It caused the young pup's cries to fade, allowing the warm presence of their mother's muzzle to lead them to her even warmer belly. They attached as instinct told them to, suckling the strong-scented liquid that filled their tiny stomachs. Petra was comforted by the feeling, realizing that everything was going as they should. Both pups, newly arrived males, appeared healthy. Their vaguely formed pelts resembled parts of both parents. Petra's dark, ebony pelt, seemed to have stained the coat of the larger male, except for the few tinges of dark brown that littered his tiny body. He nursed feverishly, coughing every few minutes as he struggled to breathe between feedings. Petra couldn't help but laugh a little as he gorged contently. What would happen when his eating habits caught up to him and he became a pudgy pup, consumed in his own state of corpulence? The idea flashed through her mind, but Petra decided quickly she would much rather have him become fat than starve. She made no move to stop or slow his consumption. Mind sifting through many names, as it had been for many weeks now, the name rose to the surface of her thoughts. Thinking to herself, she decided upon Cyril. It was a name fit for a king, even if it was a tiny one.

Petra's gaze shifted, settling on the second, smaller pup. Instantly, the difference in eating habits was obvious. He consumed maybe just as much, but paced himself thoroughly, not pausing to cough and hiccup like his brother. She shifted, finding a serene peace in watching him. The pup's pelt was the color of brown, dull like the earth but vibrant all the same. Cronus' colors seemed to be more dominant within this young being. It seemed like he contained more innocence than his brother, harboring a certain appeal to nurture him further. She shifted slightly, trying to not disturb the now sleeping young that bordered her belly. It was well worth the pain in the new mother's eyes. Their chests, rising and falling with every quiet breath, seemed to spread comfort throughout the entire den. It was no longer a prison where she slaved away with the aching pains and it's walls no longer seemed to crowd her in. The den was the small families haven, their other protector pacing cautiously just beyond the opening. All was well in the home, bringing a calmed nostalgia to the female's tiny body. Her eyes were just beginning to close when they fell back on the second pup. A name rose to the surface of her mind, so prominent and powerful that she had to whisper it softly. "Calix," she spoke with a angelic tone. His name carried in the acoustics of the dark den, containing the value and power that the young pup possessed. He was well worth the struggle that had brought them into the world. They both were.

"Oh, I like that name," a tough voice entered the cushioned warmth of the den. For a moment, Petra had forgotten about her mate waiting longingly outside. His voice seemed unwelcome in the maternally dominated realm that was the birthplace of the pups. Ridden with guilt after having been such a terror the past few months, she sighed, allowing him the relief of her approval.

"Yeah, me too," her voice was as warm as the spring air outside. It was the first time in the long stretch of pregnancy that Cronus had not received a snappy, emotional response. This alone was enough to cause him jubilation. Dulls thuds of prancing of prancing pawsteps echoed from outside, Cronus' bushy tail cutting the air as he displayed his joy. A small split apart Petra's features, knowing all too well that the array of questions would begin soon. Sure enough, Cronus' shadow passed by the light of the den as he positioned himself a little closer to the entrance, still not daring to protrude on it's security.

"How many are there? Did you come up with more names? How about looks? Are they handsome like me or pretty like you? Oh, Petra. I bet they are wonderful," his words did not stutter at all, only rushed with the urgent desire for more information. Petra settled her head on the den floor, eyes closing for good this time. She was tired and wished for sleep. No words came from her muzzle, only silence answered Cronus' questions. The last sound she absorbed was the disappointed sigh of the male who waited outside in the light of the dieing day and the small breathing of the pups that relished in the warmth of a welcoming belly.

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Small portion of a larger story in progress.

I AM BACK WITH A NEW STORY!!!

a New Life!
I was there, just laying on the grass, feeling the cool breeze against my fur. I looked around. Everywhere there were more of me, only bigger, and some had sticks sticking out of their head.
Suddenly all of them started moving. I looked around and there were three others just like me, standing up and walking with them. I followed what the did, I got up and followed the one waiting for me.
She told me to call her Mother, and to do whatever she said, for it would help me.
Changes- Good or Bad?
I had suckled from her until she told me to eat something. It was green and pointy.
"Why do I have to eat it?"
"Because, you are to old to suckle from me, now eat."
I followed what she said, and it tasted good, and game me energy, but my throat was itching badly.
Then I saw rushing blue stuff.
"Mother, my throat itches"
"Lets drink from the river"
"River?"
"Yes, river. Follow me."
She started walking towards it, looking behind for me every few seconds, for I was slow to come. When I got there she but her lips into it and but it in her mouth, and down her throat. I studied carefully, then tried for myself. I felt better, my throat was healed from itchiness!
I was so happy, I jumped into the river and splashed around. Mother smiled.
"Come, let's catch up with the herd."
I followed her. When we caught up, there was a new "cow" as mother called them. She said hello, but the cow ignored her and hungrily feasted upon the best grass. Mother said she was one of those unusual cows, and to stay away. But I wondered...
Reappearing and Disappearing?
It was dark, and everyone had settled down for the night. All except the unusual cow, who stayed awake, forcing her calves to stay awake too. I kept watching her. Then out of nowhere, she disappeared, leaving her calves alone. They looked frightened, so I got up and went over to them.
But then, the cow reappeared and started attacking me, yelling to get away from the calves. I ran to Mother to tell, but when I turned my head, she was gone again. I decided to play it safe and lay next to mother.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * *
The next morning I got up extra early to check on the calves. One of them was killed! I stood there staring, as the corpse was rotting away. I went to get Mother, who was awake looking for me.
"You must never go off like that again, Sierra!"
"I know, Mother, but it was important!"
I told her all about how she disappeared and reappeared and attacked me and yelled and disappeared again until she told me to stop, and show her where it happened. I walked to the spot and sure enough, the corpse was there, but so was cow!
Punishment and Migration
The cow just stood there, then she moved towards another calf and kicked it in the head. The entire herd stared in amazement, then the leader had a scowling look on his face.
"You killed my calf! You are banished from the herd! Leave immediatly!"
It was only when she missed me when she tried to bite me that he charged.
"Now my daughter?! You will pay! You and your calf shall not live!"
Mother immediatly started charging towards her, as with the rest of the herd. Before I knew it everyone was chasing after her.
I also followed. I made much noise dashing through the snow after her. So much noise I disturbed some foxes and condors in the area. I dashed and dashed, but before I even got there, she was dead. I stopped dashing and waited for Mother to come get me. She came within half a minute to keep me warm.
"Come, let's go south, with the rest of the herd."
"I'm v-v-er-r-r-y c-c-old-d M-mother-r-r.."
She quickly examined me and saw that I was freezing.
"I know. We must be quick."
I was very slow to get there, but when I did, I was grateful. Even though there wasn't much grass, I was warm.
Lessons and Disappointment
"We must start training you. Go attack that rabbit over there until you hit it."
I stood confused, but I followed her orders. It took a while for me to finally hit it, but I felt strong when I did.
"Good! Now, um, I want you to kill a mouse."
I obeyed and felt even stronger.
"Very good! Now I want you to-"
* * * * * * * * * * *
I felt very strong! So strong, I could kill a fox! That was most of us calf's dream. But I felt I could do it!
"Next time a fox comes, I'll teach him a lesson!"
"Please don't, you still have to train to be alpha female like me, Xao E. Elk!"
"Great! What will I do next? Wrestle a bear? Bite a coyote? Kill a fox? Chase a wo-"
"No, challenge one of the cows till you win."
I was confused. Why did I need to challenge a cow? I obeyed anyway. I looked through all of them I finally chose Vee. I was almost out of energy when I finally won.
"I did it Mo-"
The leader was there with Mother, talking about me.
"Um, Sierra, I was talking with your father and-"
"And you must stop training!"
Stop? I was just over halfway finished!
"Sorry, it's just that, well, you can't train anymore because you will have to be alpha female."
"But I thought I was supposed to be!"
"That was before I found out that-"
"That you will have to mate with your brother!"
Mate with my brother? How could I mate with Semo? That was an awful thought.
"He was chosen to be alpha male, first. I'm sorry."
Taking Over Under Pressure
I was an adult. Mother and the leader died. I watched as Semo and Ursa turned to alphas and mated. Because I could no longer train, I was rank 15/17. There was no way I could rule the herd.
Just then, a group of wolves came up to Semo and Ursa. It crouched low. I saw what was coming next but waited, wanting revenge on Ursa and Semo. It leaped forward, taking Ursa by the neck. He had succeeded in killing Ursa, but Semo was attacking back better. So much better, I thought he would live. But then more wolves attacked and killed him.
I quickly took charge. I ran away fast.
"Hurry everyone! Follow me!"
Everyone followed me like I said. I ran past The Windy Moors, jumped over The Falls, and into Bluebird Forest, where not many wolves went.
"What do we do?"
"How will we survive?"
"Who will lead us?"
The questions filled the forest.
"I will show you what to do! I will keep you alive! I will lead you!"
Then the rank one gave me her rank, and rank one bull agreed to help lead.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
As the months passed, the herd started getting sick, blaming me for their illness. They threatened to take my rank and make me omega if they died. I never wanted to lead under pressure. That night, when everyone was sleeping, I hoped to make them happy again the next morning. I went to bed and slept.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
The next morning I woke up to many corpses in the forest. Only 4 cows and 3 bulls were alive, some badly injured.
"Thanks a lot leader! Because you slept last night the largest coyote pack in the forest attacked!"
I was surprised when she tried to challenge me.
"I will take you to The Windy Cliffs if it will make you happier!"
So we started off to The Windy Cliffs.
Swift Death and Reuniting
I had just started on my journey when I saw a fox in the corner of my eye. It had a hungry smell tinted to its' breath. I ignored it and continued.
Later on the way I saw a coyote with another hungry tint in its' breath. I got suspicious.
Then a group of them came from a cave and started towards me. They screamed.
"Attack!!"
They ran towards Vee's newborn calf. I quickly started attacking them trying my hardest to ward them off. One hit me and I kicked it back. Then another bit me, then another scratched me and ran. I ran after, making a fit with noise.
"Sierra is coming! Hurry!" they yelled.
I kicked a young one and killed it. I felt proud as I thought back to when I was a calf.
"Next time a fox comes, I'll teach him a lesson!"
But, before I knew it, I was on the ground, bleeding to death
"I got her!" a coyote yelled.
I looked down. I saw a bloody elk.
"Sierra. Come, dear."
I turned. Could it be?
"Mother!"
I ran towards her leaping through the air.
"Yes, it is me, Sierra."
"You're so white!"
"Yes, but look at you. You are as white as me."
I looked at myself. I was as white as Mother.
"W-what happened? Why are we like this?"
"We are part of the circle of life. The circle is made of matted down leaves on Earth, easy to break, but here, it is made of stone, impossible to destroy. Look around, we aren't on Earth anymore."
I looked around. We were in the most beautiful meadow. I looked back.
"Enjoy it here, Sierra. Don't sit and wish you were back, enjoy."
I looked behind me. Coyotes and rabbits were playing, bears and buffalo were talking, hawks and mice were watching the clouds. I looked back to Mother. She was dashing with wolves and other elk. I took one step, then burst into a run towards Mother, having the time of my life.

THE END

I've been writing 2 stories now- or at least planning on writing them.. I have the prolouge of one of them(it's about the RP I'm in, mainly my characters' lives.) done and the other hasn't been written at all.
Might edit this with the prolouge tomarrow... it's a good 1000+ words long.

I'm going to admit I didn't read through every story written here, but I did skim a couple. I find that a lot of people [not everyone] here are falling victim to a lot of common mistakes that makes a piece of writing redundant, and, generally, not that fun to read. At the very least some patience is required to be able to read them
[By the way, this is for short stories and roleplay. I'm not adept enough at poetry to write about it. xD ]

Kaze, my nomadic blue merle rough collie with a couple of secrets, will be the main star of my example. =P

Random example of a somewhat mediocre post:
Kaze walked through the forest, feeling hungry. She ran around, looking for food. Sometimes, she would smell something, but the trail never went on for too long. Finally, she managed to lock onto the smell of a mouse, and she eagerly followed it. She was a pretty good hunter, and the mouse was easy prey, so she found and killed it quickly. Happily, she ate the small carcass, and then she put her nose to the ground, looking for more.

Problems:
Redundant/Repetitive wording: The most obvious are the words smell and she. The sentence structure is also very similar. They all start with the subject (she/Kaze), and then an action or description. [Sorry, don't know how to technically deconstruct a sentence, though I don't feel I need to] To fix this, try to vary your sentences, move the subject around.

Vocabulary is uninteresting: A lot of words in that paragraph could be replaced with better ones. Walked could be replaced with strolled, wandered, limped, loped, etc etc. similarly, words like ran, looking, smell, follow, look, and ate all could be replaced with others. They don't need to be huge words either, just different.

Lack of detail: This is pretty self-explanatory, but, throughout the entire paragraph, you do not know Kaze is a collie, you don't know her colour, and, in fact, Kaze could very well be a grizzly bear. Also, you know nothing about the forest, or anything, actually. This makes the story go too fast, and will bore the reader. Don't get me wrong though. In such a small section, you shouldn't include all the information I've listed. It would make it too slow. You need the right pace, and that could depend both on you and your reader, but it's important to avoid both extremes.

Lack of Literary Devices: This is the difference between an okish piece of writing, and a good one. How well you use these is the difference between a good one and a great one. Here is Wikipedia’s nice fat list of them: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Literary_technique
Keep in mind though, that it's always quality over quantity. Do not stock your writing full of these. [More detail later, when I feel like writing another one of these]

Fixed Example: [Argh it's not that good but I'm too lazy to make further edits LOL]
Kaze wandered through the forest, her stomach relentlessly voicing its complaints to her. Making her way over and around the rocks and roots, nose to the ground, the collie desperately sought out a trail for something; anything. Mice, rabbits, squirrels; it really didn't matter at this point. She just needed to shut up that stomach.

Occasionally, the ground offered her a scent, only to let it fade off into nothingness again. This would make her teeth clench in frustration, but she persisted, paws carefully picking their way over the ground. She had to be careful not to tread noisily on a fallen leaf or twig.

It took a while, but she did find a trail that lived, grew, and strengthened, and, as much as she wanted to speed up, she didn't, for that would scare her treat away. It was another while before she found the trail's owner. An old mouse, carelessly picking at a small plant in the open. With a deft pounce, the dog's paws closed over it, crushing the poor creature's spine instantly.

It lasted one bite. Not even, actually. She'd simply swallowed the small, limp body. The dog knew better than to stop right then. A mouse like that wouldn't last an hour. Sighing softly, she put her nose to the ground again, searching it for another trail.


Disclaimer thing: I am not an all powerful being that can control your emotions, so you find this offensive in any way, there really isn't anything I can do about it. All I can say is that this is meant to be constructive, not aggressive, and, to be honest, if you are indeed offended then you are probably being oversensitive. This attitude will not help you grow. Not as a writer, artist, or person.

Nice post, Kazz.. I tend to use commas too much apperently. According to Alrai at least.
Also, I have my story's outline done. It is BASED off the roleplay. Based meaning not the same, but some things are similar. In my story, the clan's structure is much different, to the the point of it not even being Warrior clans anymore(if someone wishes for me to explain how the structure is, feel free to ask). I'll probably still use some characters, though.

PROLOUGE:
The beautiful silence of leaf-bare echoed throughout the empty oak tree branches- majestically silent, but destined to be broken as two figures softly padded through the bare forest. Their paws made soft crunching noises as they plodded through last night’s snowfall, but saying nothing.
The brown tabby was a few paces ahead of the longer furred she-cat, her soft kitty-pet legs unused to such an environment even after living here for the past few months. Her long Himalayan pelt dragged softly against the snow, here pale yellow eyes watching it curiously. “Snake?” She murmured softly, causing the tabby to pause and turn his own leaf-green eyes on her- the only hint of green in this winter wonderland.
“Yes, Harmony?” He responded in a low and silky voice, faking a curious glance at her- but her eye-roll told him that once again he had failed to fool her with his fake emotions.
“When you look at the snow, what do you see?” She asked quietly, her thoughtful yellow eyes staring into his own, expecting a response.
The tom frowned at this, before turning around and once again began to walk. This went on for a few minutes with the she-cat patiently walking behind him, still waiting for an answer. “All I see is white.” He muttered in his usual monotone voice, not bothering to pretend with his emotions. He never was able to fool the she-cat behind him, anyways.
“Is that everything?” She gave a small sigh, sounding disappointed. She would often do this- ask pointless questions and then become sad when they had no effect on her darker companion. She remained like this for a few moments before perking up once again. “Is that all you see?”
Snake was silent once more, the only sounds coming from their paws cutting through the soft snow. “I see ice and coldness- wet and bleak.” His voice was almost as quiet as the snow, and equally void of any emotions.
Harmony twitched her whisker in satisfaction. “You always were the pessimist, I guess… do you know what I see in the snow?” Her question was met without a response, and she decided that was as close to a yes as she would get from the quiet tomcat. “I see brightness and light and patience in the snow. The earth is waiting for the land to heal again- and once it has, the gods will allow spring to come once more.” Her soft mew broke the silence, and she watched her travelling partner for any sort of reaction.
“Why do you insist on believing on such superficial and fake things such as spirits?” He drawled in a bored manner, the only emotion he could show without effort. Harmony was always spouting such odd things; her belief that gods of many elements had joined together to create and govern the world- and that normal everyday animals had the chance to become gods upon their death.
"It isn’t fake if someone believes in it.” She was purring now matter-of-factly, discreetly watching the muscles along the powerful tom’s shoulders flex as he walked.
“Cats like you make no sense to me…” Snake muttered, searching his surroundings for any sign of life- any sign of their next meal.
“And cats like you don’t make any sense to me, either.” She playfully hopped in front of the tom, halting him in his tracks with his nose only a whisker from the she-cat’s own. “Why don’t you even try to live a little? What do you believe in?” Her voice was now genuinely curious- her pale colored eyes holding the mirth of a kit that needed to know everything about the world.
He stared right back into her eyes, and perhaps if he could understand emotions- even to the slightest bit- he would have seen just how much she cared for him…
But Harmony knew that even if he did, he wouldn’t care. That’s what made him Snake.
“I believe that cats have no greater purposes than to live, carry on their bloodline, and die. Cats are no more special than two-legs or dogs.” His words were uncaring, as if he didn’t care if he was a part of something much larger or not.
Harmony’s expression softened slightly. “Is that the only purpose in life to you? No enjoyment or trying to live a life that was worth it?”
“I see no point in living for anything. All it will do is distract you with meaningless things. Emotions will only distract you more.”
“If there is no point to living, then why not end it all now?”
“To show others that you don’t need a purpose to do anything.”
His stubborn views were also what made this cat who he was.
“I always see purpose to anything.” She murmured quietly, stepping out of his way so he could continue their travel to nowhere without her blocking the snow laden path. Her remark was met with only the cold breeze, and she shivered slightly.
The pair continued walking for awhile, Harmony edging upwards until her fur was pressed lightly into Snake’s body, her shivering becoming more and more noticeable. Snake held in an impatient huff at his partner’s actions- she was no longer a kitty-pet, so why did she have to act so much like one? Her fur was long and thick, and yet she still felt the cold. He silently blamed her kitty-pet blood that ran fresh in her veins.
“You don’t even believe in love,” The she-cat mused aloud, much to the tom’s annoyance. He let her talk- he never tried to stop her when she wished to. The noise in this quiet world was all that kept him from going insane.
“Of course I don’t believe in love. What you and others see is merely a clouded vision of lust; an exaggerated form of wanting to reproduce. There is no love in our world.”
“So, if I said that I loved you, you would say something that would be logical in your twisted loner mind?” She purred back, twitching her whiskers in fake amusement.
“Basically, yes.”
Snake was so predictable sometimes.
“And if I asked for you to give me kits?”
Snake half glared at her for that. Her serious gaze stared right back at him, causing him to roll his eyes slightly. “I would ask why you would want me to be a father.”
“I don’t need a reason for wanting.”
The tom fell silent again, mulling over his thoughts lazily. As much as he hated to admit it, he owed this she-cat something. In exchange for keeping his sanity together, Harmony left her comfortable life without a second thought.
And now, she deserved a reward for being able to see through his pretendings.
“If that’s what you want, then I would. But I warn you, I do not care for the lives of others,” He grumbled. But you already know that, his thoughts added.
“Of course I know that. I’m too young for kits now anyways, and you would probably leave the very moment they were born… so I’ll wait.” Harmony began to prance through the pale powder a few steps ahead of Snake, the glittering shards of frozen water sticking to her fur like burrs.
The tabby watched her in the calm hush, wondering why he wished for an unnamed emotion to be present in his heart, an emotion that the other radiated with all her being. Why he didn’t have emotions to begin with. Why Harmony so clearly cared for him. Why couldn’t return those feelings. Why he felt indebted to do so.
He would spend another two winters wondering why before Harmony birthed her first litter of three- and when Snake finally managed to surprise her by standing by her side as she raised them.

1302 words. Woo.

Your writing is good, however, it does not really trap the reader.
"A prologue [you spelled that wrong btw] is an opening to a story that establishes the setting and gives background details, often some earlier story that ties into the main one, and other miscellaneous information." -Wikipedia

Being the very first part of the story that the reader looks at though, it should serve to make sure the reader stays. To me, your prologue does not get interesting until the second half, however, I am a more picky reader. I think it should be shorter and stronger, and the characterisation details can be established in what would be chapter one. For a prologue, it's far too descriptive. Not only this, but there is too much repetition in the descriptions.

Also, when you've picked a point of view, stick to it. You've got a lot more thinking on Snake's side of the story, so details as to what is in Harmony's mind should not be there at all.
Ex:
"...she decided that was as close to a yes as she would get from the quiet tomcat."
"discreetly watching the muscles along the powerful tom’s shoulders flex as he walked." [As a detail, this is ok, but it should be seen from Snake's point of view.]
"But Harmony knew that even if he did, he wouldn’t care. That’s what made him Snake."
"His stubborn views were also what made this cat who he was." [Sounds too much like Harmony narrating.]
"Snake was so predictable sometimes. "

Besides that, it's quite good. x3

Oh, thanks for the tips, Kazz. ^.^
I guess microsoft Word didn't pick up on the misspelling. It also missed all the Your/You're errors that a proofreader so kindly pointed out to me(He deserves all the turtles in the world now).
The prolouge was meant to introduce the parents of the main characters, just to show readers what their thought processes were like and their complicated relationship. Chapter one is set in the point of view of one of the offspring, and I'm still debating to make the other chapters switch from different views... opinions on that?

StarWolf wrote:Oh, thanks for the tips, Kazz. ^.^

No problem xD

I guess microsoft Word didn't pick up on the misspelling. It also missed all the Your/You're errors that a proofreader so kindly pointed out to me(He deserves all the turtles in the world now).

MS word is stupid. It says my last name is spelled wrong. D:

The prolouge was meant to introduce the parents of the main characters, just to show readers what their thought processes were like and their complicated relationship.

*Prologue
And that makes sense, however, then I think you've added too much information. It's hard to really point out the specific issues with something like this.

Chapter one is set in the point of view of one of the offspring, and I'm still debating to make the other chapters switch from different views... opinions on that?

I can't help you unless I have a detailed summary of the plot. A very detailed sumary. =P
One character narrating throughout the entire story is the easiest approach though.

Also, unrelated but:
Hurry up and count on that other thread so I can intercept you guys when you're really really close. >:3

Aw, jeez. K-B-Gone is a fail it seems.
I might PM you the summary of what I THINK will happen. Haven't worked out all the details just yet, and I keep getting ideas that could fit in pretty nicely... Of course they would be a bit tragic, but hey. A story isn't very heart-tugging without some sort of death/angst.

It says my last name is spelled wrong. D:

It says my first and last name wrong!

StarWolf wrote:Aw, jeez. K-B-Gone is a fail it seems.
I might PM you the summary of what I THINK will happen. Haven't worked out all the details just yet, and I keep getting ideas that could fit in pretty nicely... Of course they would be a bit tragic, but hey. A story isn't very heart-tugging without some sort of death/angst.

Of course it's a fail. I have my immunity shots.


Also, keep in mind that if a plot detail does not:
A) Develop the plot [Developing the plot and adding to the plot aren't always the same thing]
B) Develop the character(s) [Don't overdo character, and don't lump it]
C) Develop the theme. [What is the theme anyway? xD]
The best twists do all three. ;D

1000angles wrote:It says my first and last name wrong!

LOL fancy name eh?

Yeah... It's Braelyn... xD My computer says it's wrong right now!